“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.”
– Joseph Goldstein
The most common complaint I hear people say about why they can’t meditate is, “My mind is too busy. I can’t quiet it.” However, anyone who spends a few moments watching their mind will likely notice something quickly: it’s busy. Planning. Replaying. Judging. Worrying. Remembering. There is a constant stream of thoughts—sometimes helpful, often repetitive, and frequently stressful, or even overwhelming. This is not wrong – it’s normal. In fact, people with busy minds are some of the best candidates for meditation! One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to make friends with our own minds.People mistakenly think that mindfulness stops us from thinking or that when we meditate, the mind is quiet. But the truth is, we are not stopping the mind from thinking; we are learning to befriend the mind and create a different relationship with all those thoughts. We are learning to see our thoughts, without getting caught up in them.
The Mind Is Not the Enemy
In mindfulness practice, we begin with a simple but powerful shift: the mind is not something to fight against. Your thoughts are not a personal failure. Your busy mind is not a flaw. Thinking is simply what the mind does.
From an evolutionary perspective, the mind is designed to scan for danger, anticipate the future, and make meaning of the past. It’s trying—often tirelessly—to protect you.
But the same mind that helps us survive can also create unnecessary suffering when we get caught in loops of worry, self-criticism, or rumination – or when the mind returns us to the past or hurls us into the future. When we treat the mind as an enemy, we add another layer of struggle.
A Different Approach: Turning Toward the Mind
Making friends with the mind begins with a shift in your relationship with your mind. Meditation teacher Sylvia Boorstein, author of It’s Easier Than You Think, describes herself as a “fretter.” When the phone rings late at night, her first thought is, “Oh no! Something has gone terribly wrong!” She says this is what her mind does – it worries. She knows this about her mind. So, when her mind reacts; she recognizes this pattern, takes a deep breath, and answers the phone to see what is actually happening. This is how she has made friends with her mind and does not allow it to take over.
Instead of: “Why won’t my mind stop?” “I shouldn’t be thinking this.” Or, “Something is wrong with me.” We begin to ask: “Can I meet this thought with curiosity instead of judgment?” “Do I have to believe this?” Or, “What happens if I allow this thought to simply come and go without believing its contents?”
We learn that we don’t have to believe every thought. Instead, we can see thoughts clearly—without getting swept away or overwhelmed by them. This takes practice but can be life changing because without this skill, we let our minds take over our nervous system and we live with constant fear, worry, and anxiety which deeply impacts our wellbeing, health and happiness.
The Practice of Befriending the Mind
Instead of tightening or resisting thoughts, try offering a quiet acknowledgment and relaxing around it: “Ah, my mind is busy right now. That’s interesting.” And then let those thoughts come and go, like clouds in the sky, simply floating by.
When thoughts arise, take a look at them with curiosity. Ask, “Is this thought helpful? Is it true? Is it necessary in this moment? Is it kind? Is this thought contributing to my suffering or my peace? How would I feel if I didn’t believe it?”
Not to judge—but to understand that often thoughts are not helpful, not true, and we don’t have to believe them.
The body is always in the present moment. Use it as a wonderful anchor to pull your attention and energy away from unhelpful thoughts. Feel your breath. Notice the sensations of your feet on the ground. Listen to the sounds around you. Look at your surroundings to orient into the present moment. This gently anchors you when your mind drifts and tries to pull you away from the present moment and away from what is happening right now.
5. Offer Compassion
If your mind is loud, anxious, or self-critical, try meeting it the way you would a dear friend – with patience, kindness, and care. It is trying to help, but not always doing that skillfully.
6. You Are Not Your Thoughts!
One of the most liberating insights in mindfulness is this: You are not your thoughts. You are the awareness that can observe thoughts. When you begin to see thoughts as passing mental events—rather than truths or commands—they lose their grip over you. And in that space, you find calm, clarity, and choice.
The next time your mind feels busy or overwhelming, pause and remember that nothing has gone wrong. This is simply the mind doing what it does. And in that moment, you have an opportunity—not to fight it, but to meet it differently. When you stop fighting the mind, you create the conditions for it to settle. You find more peace, ease and choice in how you want to meet this moment!
❤️,
Cheryl